Today

I am so bored today. Its been really quiet around here. John slept in and then had to take some old furniture to the dump. I have gotten 4 loads of laundry done. And I get to go later and get my pedi and pick up John's cookie cake for the party tomorrow. And as always thoughts just swirl in my head.

Uh the party. I will be so glad to be done with it. My one consolation is that I won't have to do another one until Ally's birthday in January. I hate party planning. I hate waiting for RSVPs. I hate noise and confusion. But I love my husband and I am so proud of what he has accomplished this year so I want to celebrate that.

My beautiful little girl is growing so fast. She is so amazing. And she is so snuggly with me today. I love it. Since John has been on leave she has only wanted her Daddy, but today she is my girl again. She absolutely tickles me with the things she does. I often wonder if my parents watched me and laughed at all the little cute things.

Vixen...my wild hairy strange little dog. This breaks my heart having to get rid of her, but I also realize that for us and her, its the best thing. I pray she goes to a family with a couple of young kids that can get out and play with her and love on her and give her more attention than she can handle. In short I want what we can't give her at this time. I just can't do it with Ally, the other two dogs, the house and John deploying.

The deployment...oh how am I going to get thru this? I was ok the first 3 times, but they all happened so fast I guess it didn't hit me. It was just what he did, just his job. But that first trip to Iraq... and all the drama that year at the unit in Germany. That broke me. Its now been almost 5 years since he deployed and I feel like its the first time. I don't know how I am going to face it, how to deal. I am terrified, quite frankly. I have tried to discuss it with him, but in classical man fashion he won't. The typical "if we don't talk about it it doesn't exist." But the first time he went, I went on medication, problem is they only make that stuff in certain doses.

My mind is busy, sometimes I wish it would be quiet and let me relax.